


Totally Innocent

by maybedeadbutstillpretty



Series: Crushing [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, Season 3, post-Helpless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9360929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybedeadbutstillpretty/pseuds/maybedeadbutstillpretty
Summary: Follow up to Crushing. Buffy tries to figure out her feelings for Cordelia. Set between Helpless and The Zeppo.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation from my fic Crushing. You should definitely read that before this one. Hoping to turn this into a series of one-shots exploring a relationship between Buffy and Cordelia that mostly follows canon.
> 
> Warning for slight Angel/Bangel bashing. Sorry to anyone that might upset.

Considering this was her first patrol since losing her Slayer powers, Buffy probably should have been more focused on the slaying. As it was, she could hardly be bothered to think about vampires and demons, because she had something much more serious to fill her mind: whether or not to break up with her boyfriend.

Sure, Buffy was still in love with Angel. She was sure some part of her would always be in love with Angel. But she'd broken up with him several weeks ago for a reason, and as the whole wiggy weirdness that'd happened at Christmas faded away, she was reminded more and more why that was. She and Angel could never be together. Not really. Nothing but a whole world of badness could come from that.

And that hurt. A lot. Like a punch to the gut from some thousand pound slimy demon. She wanted to be with Angel so badly it made her chest ache. Except... she also kind of didn't. She kind of wanted to be with someone else. But that was impossible for an entirely different reason.

Movement in her peripheral vision caught her attention, and she was glad to be pulled away from where that train of though was taking her. Two vampires were prowling between the graves, headed towards her. Time for some stakeage.

Buffy rushed the vampires, kicking and punching, twisting and dodging. She managed to sweep her leg out, knocking one to the ground. The other one got in a pretty good blow to her shoulder, pushing her back a step, but she shook it off, ducking under his defenses and plunging her stake through his heart. The other vamp jumped back to her feet, growling and swiping at Buffy's throat. Buffy leaped back and then retaliated with a high kick followed by a left cross. While the vampire was dazed, she struck out with her stake once more.

Brushing vamp dust off her jeans, Buffy desperately glanced around the graveyard for more vampires or maybe a demon or two. "C'mon," she muttered, "something jump out and save me from getting all thinky."

Buffy needed a distraction. Lots of distractions. Because without them, her thoughts would inevitably turn to Cordelia.

She sighed. Cordelia. Buffy had no idea what to do about the Cordelia situation. She wanted to be all denial girl and pretend nothing had happened, but she couldn't. She couldn't forget how easily Cordelia's hand had fit against her own. She couldn't forget how special she felt when Cordy had tried to comfort her about the temporary loss of her Slayer powers. Or how soft Cordelia's cheek had been under her lips.

Girls can kiss other girls on the cheek. It's totally innocent and not at all romantic. And Cordelia was definitely just being friendly. She wasn't hinting at other feelings that she might have for Buffy. And Buffy definitely didn't maybe return those feelings Cordelia was hinting at or wonder what it would be like to date Cordelia. She hadn't felt any sparkage between them at all. None.

 _You're a horrible liar_ , she told herself. But how could she not lie to herself. She was totally crushing on  _Cordelia_ of all people. Mean, nasty Cordelia. Xander's ex-girlfriend Cordelia. Cordelia, who was a girl.

RIght, so maybe Cordelia being a girl wasn't such an issue. It wasn't news to Buffy that she found other girls attractive. She didn't really like to think about it, but it was there. She'd first noticed it when she was thirteen and was watching a rom-com with some friends. She'd thought the guy in the movie had been pretty blah, but she definitely took notice of the girl. And when she was fifteen, before she was called as the Slayer, she'd been playing truth or dare with some people at a party and been dared to kiss another girl. And liked it.

But girls liking other girls was something that seemed to squick most people out, so she'd kept it to herself. God knows her mother would probably wig if she found out. And it's not like Buffy didn't still like boys, so it was totally easy for her to keep it under wraps.

Besides, much as she was attracted to other girls, she'd never actually wanted to date one. There were plenty of girls in Sunnydale she found attractive. Heck, she couldn't deny she thought Faith was pretty hot. But she didn't want to date Faith, or any other girl at Sunnydale High. She just wasn't interested.

Until now. Until Cordelia.

She wasn't sure how it happened. She had been totally fine with privately thinking Cordelia was gorgeous, but never acting on it. Why was she suddenly so fascinated by what it would be like to walk down the hallways with her, holding hands. To hang out at each other's houses after school. To kiss her and touch her and get to know her body.

To her left, a giant slimy purple demon with three horns on its head suddenly burst out of an abandoned crypt.

"Oh, thank god," she sighed, getting into a fighting stance. A distraction.

* * *

 

At school the next day, Buffy's focus was far away from her classes. Which was nothing new, of course, but the fixation on Cordelia was. She was going to go insane. Everywhere she looked, Cordelia was there. Laughing at something Harmony said that was probably totally dumb. Sitting in front of her in History when normally they sit on opposite sides of the room. When Buffy walked into the bathroom after lunch, Cordelia was already there, touching up her lipstick. Buffy had immediately turned and fled to find a different bathroom.

It was with relief that she gathered her books from her locker at the end of the day. In wake of everything that had happened on her birthday, Giles had let her off the hook from training, so she was going home rather than to the library. As she pulled her coat on, she heard the click of high heels coming towards her. She didn't have to look to know who it was. A swarm of butterflies erupted in her stomach. Closing her locker, she turned around just as Cordelia reached her, standing maybe slightly too close for someone who was only a sort-of friend.

"Buffy." Cordelia gave her a wide grin, and Buffy definitely did not have the random thought that Cordelia was probably the most beautiful person she'd ever met. Nope. "I was planning on going over to the Espresso Pump and was wondering if you'd like to come with me?"

"I -" She should say no. She should  _definitely_ say no. She was planning on being all avoid-o girl, remember? "Sure, I'd love to get some mocha goodness."

"Great! Let's go!" Cordelia grabbed Buffy's hand and began to tug her down the hallway towards the doors leading to the student parking lot. Buffy felt a jolt of panic, quickly glancing around to see if anyone was looking. Just because she fantasized about holding hands with Cordelia in the halls doesn't mean she was ready to actually do it. Especially when there were other people around.

But the coast was clear. Everyone was too focused on gathering up their things to leave to notice Buffy and Cordelia together. Buffy saw Willow down on the other side of the hall, but she was talking to Oz. Xander was in detention for failing to turn in his English homework for the third day in a row.

 _Girls platonically hold hands all the time. It's totally innocent,_ Buffy reminded herself. Besides, her Slayer strength was back. If she really didn't want Cordelia pulling her along then she could break out of her grip no problem. As they walked out the doors of the school, Buffy fell into step by Cordelia rather than allowing herself to be semi-unwillingly dragged after her. Their hands stayed linked.

_Innocent. Totally, totally innocent._

As she settled into the passenger seat of Cordelia's car, Buffy flashed back to kissing her on the cheek. She wondered what it'd be like to actually kiss Cordelia. She had such pretty lips. They'd probably be softer than any boy's she'd ever kissed. Probably taste better, too. It might be fun to run her fingers through Cordelia's shiny brown hair. And breasts. Cordelia had them. Nice ones. Buffy wondered how they'd feel pressed up against her body while they kissed. How it'd feel if she were to run her hands over them. How it'd feel to -

"Hell- _o_! Earth to Buffy! Have you even heard a word I've said?"

Cordelia's voice broke Buffy out of her daydream, and she felt her cheeks burn hotly. Her thoughts had definitely not been innocent. Crap.

"Sorry. I've been totally spacey lately."  _Because I've been thinking about you._

Cordelia rolled her eyes, looking slight annoyed as she suddenly braked, screeching the car to a halt at a red light. The annoyance quickly cleared up though and was replaced by a look of sympathy. It wasn't an expression Buffy was used to seeing on Cordelia.

"Right. How are things with Giles? Have you two worked things out?"

Buffy felt slightly touched. She hadn't been thinking of Giles, of course, but it was sweet that Cordelia was asking. "Things are better. It still kind of hurts that he did what he did, but I think he was under a lot of pressure from that stupid head Watcher-y guy. And he came through when it really counted. There's still some weirdness but... he's Giles.

A father's love. That's what stupid Travers had said. Giles had a father's love for her. She couldn't help but smile at that.

"He's really important to you," Cordelia said, picking up where Buffy had left off. "And you're really important to him. It's totally obvious. The school board would probably find it super creep-tastic that you two spend all your time together, but it makes sense to people who know you."

Buffy's smile grew wider as Cordelia parked on the street in front of the coffee shop. "Thanks, Cordy. That was almost nice."

Inside the Espresso Pump, Cordelia smoothly maneuvered Buffy into letting her pay for both their coffees. As they took a seat a table in the corner, Cordelia fixed Buffy with a determined stare.

"So how are things with Angel?" she asked, adding non-fat creamer to her latte.

Buffy was instantly on guard. "Fine."

"Hmm," Cordelia hummed noncommittally.

"What does 'hmm' mean?"

"Oh, nothing." Cordelia shrugged. "I just think it's really admirable how you forgave him so quickly for stalking and tormenting you for months, killing Ms. Calendar, torturing Giles, and trying to end the world. It's actually really impressive. Not many people could do that."

Buffy was stunned. She hadn't seen that one coming. "He... he didn't have a soul then."

"Right, of course. He's much better with a soul. Always honest and dependable, never hides anything. And hey, how's the no sex thing going for you?"

"Cordelia."

"What? I'm just saying it's too bad it's impossible for the two of you since you're eighteen now and it'd actually be legal. Even if he is old enough to be, like, your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather or something."

"Cordelia," Buffy said more firmly. "Stop."

Her mind was racing. She'd never really thought about it that way. I mean, she was a Slayer, burdened with a sacred duty and destined to die young, and he was a vampire. It seemed kind of silly to worry about the legality of it all when they were both so not of the normal. Although hadn't Angel said just last week that he fell in love with her right when she was Called? When she was fifteen and hadn't yet been forced to grow up really, really quickly? She'd thought it was romantic when he first told her, but wasn't that actually a little creepy? He'd never spoken to her, didn't really know anything about her, but he'd fallen in love with her?

 _Love at first sight_ , she told herself.  _It_ is  _romantic._

Even when it's a 200+ year old vampire with a 15 year old girl? Who then proceeds to insinuate himself into her life in a way that definitely ramped up the romanticism of it?

_Because it was destined. That creep-o demon guy Whistler said so._

_Yeah, destined that he was supposed to help you. Not destined for us to fall in love._

And what about the honesty thing? He constantly kept things from her. He hid that he was a vampire, and that he had a soul. He didn't tell her about his relationship with Spike and Drusilla until she'd forced it out of him, and even then he'd left things out. He always used to just show up, say the most cryptic thing possible about some lurking danger, and then disappear without even offering to help her.

_Stop, stop, stop. You love Angel. Angel loves you. You love Angel. Angel loves you._

Why did she feel like she was trying to convince herself? Angel was good. It's why he was brought back from hell. It's why it snowed when he was trying to dust himself. Angel had a purpose.

But maybe she wasn't meant to be a part of his purpose. And hadn't she kind of known that all along?

"Why are you doing this?" she asked Cordelia desperately. "No, I know why you're doing this, but I don't - I can't deal with this right now."

She got up quickly, leaving her mocha behind and exiting the Espresso Pump. She took a few deep, slow breathes of the fresh air. It had gotten stifling inside the coffee shop. She was about to start walking home when Cordelia followed her out the door.

"Buffy, wait." Buffy turned around, but didn't look at her. "I'm sorry. And I don't say that very often, so appreciate it. I shouldn't have been so blunt. But... was I wrong?"

A memory popped into Buffy's mind. "Tact is just not saying true stuff," she murmured.

She flicked her gaze up to Cordelia and saw that she actually looked nervous. Which was pretty wiggy. "You might have a point, but I... I need to think about some things. Alone."

Cordelia nodded, looking a little upset. "Will you let me drive you home?"

Buffy smiled. "Yeah, alright."

The trip to Revello Drive was made in silence. They took it in turns to glance at each other out of the corners of their eyes. When Cordelia pulled into the driveway, she looked so put out that Buffy felt something twist in her gut.

"Cordelia," she said hesitantly, "do you want to come inside? I totally do not get the English assignment and could really use some help."

Cordelia's face lit up. "Sure."

* * *

 

She kept touching her. Her arm, her hand, her back, her lower thigh. Somehow, Cordelia kept finding excuses to touch her. And they were all legitimate enough that Buffy couldn't call her out on it. Accidentally brushing up against her when pointing out something in the book they were reading. Putting her hand on Buffy's shoulder to steady herself when she got up to get a glass of water. Tapping her on the arm or leg to get her attention when her mind wandered. Buffy would give Cordelia this, she definitely knew what she was doing. Everywhere on Buffy's body that she had touched was tingling.

And the  _smiles._ Cordelia kept smiling at her. Big grins that showed off her perfect teeth. Crooked, slightly smug smiles when she said something clever. And worst of all were those shy little smiles she gave after saying something nice to Buffy, biting her bottom lip ever so slightly. It was driving Buffy crazy.

When they'd first come in, Buffy had tried to situate them on opposite sides of the couch as they did their homework. But now, two hours later, they had drifted together so that their legs were ever so lightly brushing against each other. The book had been set aside and they were watching and critiquing E! Fashion Emergency. 

Buffy didn't want to, but she couldn't help but compare this to spending time with Angel. Everything between the two of them was always so heightened and dramatic. Had they ever just spent a lazy afternoon - or evening, because vampire - just comfortably enjoying each other's company? She didn't think so.

And this was different than hanging with Willow and Xander. She was hyper-aware of Cordelia. Every movement, every facial expression, every word she said. All her senses were tuned to Cordelia, and every nerve ending in her body seemed to sing.

It was totally wigsome, but she liked it anyway.

Buffy glanced down, noting Cordelia's hand resting on her thigh, inches away from Buffy's own leg. Swallowing down her nervousness, she gently placed her hand on top of Cordelia's. Cordy jumped slightly, breaking out of her long-winded rant about someone's zig-zagged hair part. She gave Buffy another one of those shy, lip-bitey smiles, twisted her hand to lace her fingers with Buffy's. Shifting ever so slightly closer, Cordelia leaned her head against Buffy's shoulder.

"Oh my god," she said in disgust, "whoever created that shade of orange needs to be thrown in jail for crimes against fashion."

"I've seen demons with better coloring," Buffy agreed.

They settled in to continue watching, and a sense of peace Buffy hadn't felt since before she was Called settled over her.

When the time came for Cordelia to leave, Buffy gave her a hug that lingered much longer than would be considered platonic, holding her close, relishing the soft brush of Cordelia's hair against her cheek. Neither of them brought up Angel again, or mentioned their couch cuddle session. But there was an unspoken understanding that this wasn't over.

And as Cordelia drove away, Buffy reflected that yeah, feeling Cordelia's boobs pressed up against her was actually pretty great and not at all innocent.

**Author's Note:**

> Getting a handle on "Buffy Speak" is not easy! If anyone has any tips, please let me know. Reviews mean I will love and cherish you forever.


End file.
